How Do We Know We Have Been Loved?

Of all we learn from our families, it seems to me that what we learn most and best depends on how and how much we were loved. 

In Christ, we learned that true, sacrificial, and selfless love is the most powerful force in the universe. Because of love, God comes incarnate into the world. Because of love, Jesus experiences crucifixion. Because of love, there is resurrection, and the possibility of a life that transcends the annihilation of death.

God loves with a perfect love that shapes and forms the deepest truths about us and our worlds, but we need to remember that only God is perfect and can love as God loves. 

I have yet to meet a person who was loved perfectly by their family. Some of us have been blessed with families who are healthy reflections of God’s love, but I have yet to meet anyone whose family loved them perfectly. 

Some of us have been loved well as children and as adults, but sadly, some of us have been loved terribly, or not at all. 

As members of families, we hope to love and be loved. 

Most parents I know deeply desire to be able to love their children in ways that deepen the sense of God in their children’s lives, their ability to know who they are, and the possibility they will grow up able to love others. These are grand aspirations that can be difficult to attain and to hold because none of us has been loved or can love perfectly. We can thank God that, over time, we can learn to hold both the desire to love more perfectly and the willingness to forgive those who failed to love us well as companion realities in our lives.

How can we know we are or have been loved, though?

I can think of several ways. Today, let me offer two.

First, we can know we have known God’s love through experience with God and the way we love others. Some people make the mistake in their spiritual lives of thinking that being a Christian is about becoming experts in learning scripture, reading the bible, studying doctrine, and defending their faith intellectually.

While these pursuits are worthy, the most important part of being a Christian is not so much what you know as how you relationally experience the love of God. I don’t mean to say the feelings of faith are more important than the life of the mind, the thinking part of being a Christian. I mean to say, we should take Jesus seriously when he says the hallmark by which we are known as God’s own is evidenced by our capacity for loving others (John 13:34-35).

When we find ourselves loving others more than judging others, we can know we have known God’s love. 

When we find ourselves filled with empathy and care for the plight of others, even those who annoy us or are our enemies, we can know we have known God’s love. 

When we find that we care more about strengthening relationships with other human beings, though doing so may require us to let go of self-righteousness or prejudice, we can know we have known God’s love. 

When we find ourselves hoping to be more loving, and saddened by our failures to love, we can know we have known God’s love.

Second, we can know we have been loved well and are loving others well when we want to grow toward God's will and want the same for others. Only those who truly love you will want to let go and allow you to be who God wants you to be. There may be those in your life who think they love you, but if they push, pull and seek to manipulate your life—even with what they may mistakenly think is good intention—they are more likely loving you for who they are and want to be, rather than for the gift of you are and are becoming.

It is no cliché to say that true love is love that sets the beloved one free within the boundaries and purposes of God’s love for her or his life. It is how the Bible shows us God loves human beings. It is a risky way to love, yet it is the only way to love, because true love can never be forced, only given and received. 

When someone loves you, they will want you to be who God wants you to be and where God wants you to be, even if it is a who and where they would rather you not be. True love comes when we let God love others through us with God’s kind of love—a love that honors who we are as beloved children of God, respecting the boundaries of being, willing to freely sacrifice for the good of another, and standing ready to help, when asked, rather than criticize, when we fail and fall. 

May today be a day when you deeply recognize and embrace the love you have received.

May today be a day when you risk dropping your guard, asking God to help you love as God loves, too.

In God’s love,

Bob Guffey